Don’t Let the Past Hold the Pen

Have you noticed how some people talk about their past like it’s a stepping stone, while others talk about it like it’s the whole story?

Shane Parrish put it this way:

“Keep your distance from people who've made being wronged their identity. They're not looking for solutions; they're recruiting.”

Reading The Courage to Be Disliked gave me a new lens for that quote. Adlerian psychology speaks to how our lives aren’t determined by what’s happened to us, but by the meaning we assign to those events and the choices we make moving forward. The past informs us, but it doesn’t have to define us unless we let it.

I learned this the hard way after my divorce. I went to a divorce care group thinking it would help me process. But as I listened, I realized every one of the people in the room talked about their divorce as if it was the reason they were there. I don't mean the reason they were in the room, of course, we all were there because that was what we had experienced, but they were there because they now saw this as their community. It wasn’t malicious; in fact, I think it was comforting for many. But I could feel it pulling me deeper into the story I wanted to move beyond. I couldn't get out of there fast enough...

The past will always leave its fingerprints, but it doesn’t get to hold the pen unless you hand it over. Listen to the way people tell their own story and to the way you tell yours. Are you living in a chapter you’ve already read, or are you turning the page?

You own your story. And you’re responsible for writing what comes next.